I just got back from a kickboxing class and guess what, my hypoglycemia had started acting up 5 minutes into the lesson as I was only warming up with some light running. My whole face went pale, I started sweating profusely while feeling cold chills all over my body, I could barely hold myself upright and felt a desperate urge to collapse onto the floor. I know I have been out of shape for a while now, as I always opt for bodyweight exercise as opposed to cardio or heavier strength training activities. My stamina is basically null. But even when I was prepared for this sort of reaction to the physical challenge, it was still a shock to the system that I couldn’t even last more than a few minutes of running. I have had this condition for years since I first experienced it in PE class in middle school. Though all the doctors I have visited aren’t quite sure if my condition is in fact hypoglycemia, the symptoms and triggers are so similar that we just decide to prepare for it as that. Despite all my efforts to prevent it from happening, I keep experiencing this light-headed, almost-blackout state so regularly that I can recall having it at least once every year since I was 12. It is even more alarming because we cannot quite understand why it still happens even when the circumstances don’t seem to trigger it. But over the years I just learn to restrain myself from overexerting my body, and to know my limits whenever I engage in some kind of physical challenge, because that’s essentially the best defense against triggering my hypoglycemic state.
Growing up I was never an athletic person by any means. Except for the mandatory PE activities in school and a few tennis lessons I took as a kid, my athletic pursuits were non-existent. I used to be known as a rather hyperactive child before I started school, but that level of energy clearly didn’t live on. I don’t know if it’s because I developed other interests that were so far removed from sports and athletics (i.e., books and music), or if the need to protect myself from intense body reaction to strenuous physicality in my teenage years conditioned me to be averse to sports. Either way, I grew unaccustomed to moving my body a lot. I cultivate an excuse (a legitimate one at that) for not running too fast, not exercising for too long, or even not participating in sports at all. Sometimes people advise me to train my stamina and gradually push my limit so I could perhaps just overcome my condition with persistent efforts. Fair point, though I tried that “no pain no gain” mindset twice and both times I ended up lying flat on the ground just after pushing myself just a teeeeeeny bit further. I then transitioned back to dodging physical activities for the most part, because if anything happens, the physical damage and psychological unease far outweigh the joy of doing some sports even for a brief moment (like the 5 minutes of running today).
This got me to realize that this is like an unfortunate analogy for the idea that you cannot always push yourself to be what you are not. Because I am less athletically inclined compared to most people, I tend to also be rather physically frail and incapable, and to lag behind in many group activities. I sometimes feel self-conscious about it and wish I didn’t have this particular condition that bars me from doing what seems to be ok for a lot of folks. I also often wonder if it’s just my lack of determination that holds me back from just maybe testing my ability out a few more times before giving up. But at the end of the day, I realize that there is no inherent value in pursuing physical activities beyond the subjective level that’s required of each individual to be and feel healthy. I am fortunate enough to be able-bodied and can afford to do almost all of my regular functioning without much challenge. Beyond this, there is so little need to be extremely active or athletic, especially if I don’t inherently feel the joy of being that the same way others feel it. I have other hobbies I am already thoroughly enjoying. Is this complacency taking over whatever hardworking nature I should otherwise have? Maybe. Or maybe there’s no benchmark for hard work, or even if there is, it isn’t the only valuable thing to strive for in life. Also, value shifts around over time and doesn’t stay static. So for now, I’m actually quite glad that I can make peace with this out-of-shape, low-stamina state of being, and even the “laziness” for not trying to overcome my physical “deficiency”. Life isn’t worth being fixated on just one thing then constantly feeling inadequate to to an overblown perception of it.