I am a self-proclaimed non-doer who has a strong tendency to think things without acting on them. There have been so many occasions of me getting galvanized into the possibilities of doing things only to give in to the inertia that blocks any concrete actions from materializing. Whether it’s an undertaking for my own sake or for others’, I treat the ‘doing’ part of these projects as largely negotiable, most probably optional, and eventually, a mere abstraction that floats somewhere in the back of my mind. I have accumulated far too many of these unactualized commitments that I now see them as an assortment of bricks in the ruins of a fallen tower. Each brick in itself is sturdy and substantial, but there is a lack of discipline and sustained efforts to hold them together. Ultimately, they fall apart against my (clearly inadequate) attempts to pep-talk myself into longterm, enduring willpower. What are the main culprits that cause or trigger this habit of failing at acting on and sticking to my commitments? Is it misplaced ambition? External distractions? Mere laziness and inability to endure (mental) discomfort – something older generations would frown at (“Kids these days cannot stick to anything because tHey ArE wEAk!!”)? Could it be an oversaturation of temptations and ideas, presented to me like a buffet that sends me straight to the land of mental burnouts even before I take the first bite? Of course it probably is a combination of many factors that led me to this position. For each of these possible reasons, I have also been able to identify one or two antidotes, though I am perpetually stuck at the step of actually implementing (surprise surprise!) these antidotes.
Now a millennial/gen Z as I am should have heard enough complaints about my apparent laziness. We youngsters often fight back against these accusations by talking about burnouts, anxiety, and a hoard of mental distresses that come as ‘by-products’ of our modern era. Though I do encounter these struggles, I don’t pretend to know everything about what others are experiencing in their own lives. I can only say that I’m still enjoying relative comfort and privilege in my position, and that some parts of my ‘indolence’ are not at all circumstantial. To what extent, I don’t know and I’m frankly not interested in measuring. It’s probably more helpful/interesting to consider the solutions than to dwell on the blame. So, for this probable cause of my lack of commitment to longterm projects, I have been told (by self-help blogs, no less) to break everything into the smallest, least intimidating steps possible. That sounds fair. While the obvious idea behind every big project is the cumulation of various smaller steps, this advice takes it further by confronting the psychological inertia head-on and pushing for even the smallest progress to at least have some progress. I can get around the rationale, but I’m also tempted to ask: can the self-help gurus be a little bit more specific as to how I actually get to act on even these micro steps? I guess this is the part where I have to do the “self”-helping, but instead I’m just asking to be coddled up like a baby. Really though, knowing the antidote is one thing and implementing it is a whole other battle. I’m ready to indulge this advice most of the time, but the fact of the matter is that I still very often end up being overtaken by resistance and sitting immobile in front of the little actions I ought to take. Am I just being whiny and annoying? Sure, but I find relief in being transparent about my issue, as well as about my own obstinacy in dealing with it.
I then turn to the the ‘circumstantial’ factors like how my surrounding may reinforce my incapability to commit to any project long term. Popular advice: just disengage, unplug, shut out the distractions. Withdraw into a more intentional lifestyle free of any external pulls to the unhelpful or even toxic temptations. This applies also to the general saturation of ideas that drains my willpower over time. If I constantly move from one thing to another simply out of being exposed to ceaseless novelty, I should consider depriving myself of new gateways to potential projects. It’s empowering to know that, despite the cause being external, I may be in control of how I handle and ‘dodge’ it, more or less. Yet, I do wish it weren’t just a matter of going to extremes for the ‘full’ effect of avoiding circumstantial influences. Maybe there is a moderate way to disengage, to not completely cut myself off from the pleasures of knowing and thinking up all sorts of possibilities. My faint desire to dissent from the overall advice of dodging distractions or detaching from external factors also comes down to the admission that in the end, “it really isn’t a big deal!” Pursuing absolute control is draining and, from my point of view, kind of missing the point. What if, by some arbitrary and not at all universal standard, it’s preferable to be chasing one thing after another, rather than following through with something with absolute control? Irrelevant argument, I know. I’m not helping my own case by expressing (unsolicited) doubts towards a suggestion that should assist me. But I suppose having skepticism doesn’t dismiss the merits where they do help and be of use; as such, restricting distractions and training my attention are pieces of advice I’m willing to take.
At this point I am also tempted to consider the perks of not acting on my ideas once in a while (or even most of the time). Could it be a defense against falling into traps of misplaced ambitions? Take a project that appeals more to the promotion of something narcissistic and superficial like my popularity rather than some inherent benefit, for example. The hesitance in jumping into something like this (which may bring more issues down the road, if I become increasingly self-absorbed and shallow as an unintended consequence) ‘saves’ me from being tempted by the shiny yet ‘wrong’ reward. This sounds like the classic excuse for procrastination or even complete giving up even before one begins. But then, how can I say this? It is indeed a common excuse, but also kind of a legitimate one that should not be bypassed for the sake of some blind faith in one’s action. This is my (unprovoked?) response to the cult of hyperproductivity and accomplishment too. I take refuge in the thought that, even though I may ‘fail’ a project before it bears any fruits by some standard, I get to exercise my rights to be cautious against herding towards a goal uncritically. Seeking accomplishments for the sake of accomplishments, though perhaps not inherently a bad idea for many, leaves me feeling unfulfilled somehow. And so, for once, it isn’t so bad that I can’t bring myself to the end of a goal sometimes, because I know there are always tradeoffs to even the most attractive, shiny medal.
I didn’t quite know where I was going with this blog post. It all started with some feelings of regret over my fallen tower of unactualized commitments, but the more I reflected on them, the more I came to be at peace with letting my tower disintegrate. Another ‘failed’ attempt at giving myself a pep-talk. But I got to realize some other sides to what I had initially deemed an issue, and who knows, perhaps the consolations from these realizations could be of value in their own way. One day, when I manage to get to a finish line of a project thanks to my willful pushes through micro steps and my ability to fend off external temptations, I don’t want to forget this moment of going through some meandering thoughts and almost entirely evading the recommendations that would otherwise help me.