If you ever exist in a society (which I figure you do, since you are able to read this text on the Internet), you have most likely been experiencing in one way or another this thing called social comparison. Depending on how fortunate you are to have been raised by a family or community who actively nourish and bolster your self-esteem, you may to varying extent experience an inclination to compare yourself to other people. For starters, most of us may are familiar with a feeling of adequacy, of being less than what we could be. But inadequate compared to what? Or more commonly, to whom? We now talk about media institutions, or even more broadly speaking, ‘society’, as vicious perpetrators of all sorts of unrealistic standards that pressure us common people into fulfilling unimaginable tasks to perfect ourselves. Such practice of upholding and homogenizing standards has always used a certain successful public figure, a certain “objectively attractive” celebrity, all the way to our very next-door neighbors. Granted, the Joneses have been around for ages for us to keep up with, but gradually these infamous Joneses are growing ever more ubiquitous, living right next to us as friends and family, and flooding every corner of our social media feeds. Soon enough, we morph ourselves into these revolting figures in both our online and real-life presence, and start to pose as none other than a ridiculously impossible benchmark for some other poor souls to yearn towards.
I think there is no use in reciting the empirical attestation to such a sad reality. Each and every one of us is exposed to the damaging effects of social comparison already (unless, once again, we are lucky to have had an upbringing more reassuring of our self-worth and consequently to have grown up to be immune to social comparison – but we can acknowledge the rarity of this). The rise of social media in particular has only exacerbated the issue, pushing our generation into a crisis of deteriorating mental health and crumbling self-image. And so naturally I, as an involuntary victim of this trend, have to forge my own way out of the ever deepening abyss by seeking solutions for myself and my peers. The most common and matter-of-fact advice I’ve encountered is to shut out all of the worst offenders, namely social media platforms. This should suffice in most cases, but then it is only a superficial and temporary method to keep the (online) triggers out of our sight. Social comparison always has way more insidious ways to seep into our consciousness, and it is impractical anyway to shut out relatives who like to comment on our supposedly lacking appearance or friends who brag about their successes and (un)intentionally make us feel like a complete failure.
So I then turned to some other techniques such as repeatedly convincing myself that is is perfectly alright to have all that is considered flawed, imperfect, and inadequate about my life. This approach of self-acceptance surely tackles the problem at its roots, and I’m happy to report that my (imperfect!) progress down this path has somewhat helped me make peace with myself even when the world doesn’t seem to allow for it. Learning to embrace any flaws or blunders I commit without undeserved shame or guilt helps fight off the irrational urge to feel inferior to my peers and anyone who happens to appear to fare “better” than me. I would always recommend this approach for recovering from the ingrained impacts of social comparison. Yet, this tactic can feel a little too radical of a mindset shift for some, and for others it may inspire a tendency somewhat complacent or even self-indulgent in a weirdly ironic and inverted sense (i.e., “I’m not perfect and I don’t need to be, so why bother caring about anything?”). Of course this latter attitude takes quite an extreme stance, and I hope no one who adopts the mindset of self-acceptance shall take it that far. So there must be other, slightly more realistic yet impactful ways to combat social comparison before we get to the point of complete self-acceptance, right?
And here I can offer another approach which serves as a temporary fix for the urge to compare ourselves to others but still propels us towards whatever needs for self-growth and self-actualization we harbor. I find it helpful to work on transforming altogether the definition of what success/accomplishment/beauty/wealth and whatever bullshit ideals we have been fed by our communities, the media, and society as a whole are supposed to entail. It’s an obvious enough solution, yet it can be incredibly challenging with the constant influx of enculturation from the world telling us to what is a worthy goal to strive towards. Whenever I struggle to feel happy with where I am in life, it’s a comforting practice to reframe my mind a little and put my attention to some other qualities that differ from what society suggests as the supposed pinnacle of a good life. Taking control of what I actually want in life rather than surrendering that right to abstract institutions that have absolutely zero interest in my actual happiness (and let’s be honest, they only wish to use my unhappiness to realize their own messed-up definition of influence and wealth) is as liberating as it is beneficial for my mental health, peace of mind, and overall wellbeing.
When society endorses a certain image of a person and brands it as “beauty”, I remind myself that what I need is good health and enough energy to go about my day, not my outward appearance to fit a particular set of standards. Looking ridiculously slim or having air-brushed skin quality is as useless as being able to recite the alphabet in backwards order, yet we as a society have collectively placed an enormous emphasis on having these appearance traits. Oftentimes, we even aim to achieve such silly “beauty standards” at the expense of our own physical and mental health, which are precisely what we should go after instead. Another example: one can replace society-defined success and accomplishment with an ordinary sense of contribution towards a meaningful and enriching cause, without much fanfare and with just enough remuneration. Also: instead of recognition for intelligence or outstanding abilities, one may be driven more by a sense of curiosity and desire to explore new intellectual fronts, for instance. The key is to critically question every aspiration as promoted and reinforced by external factors to replace it with something more internally driven and genuinely integral to one’s own happiness and wellbeing. This approach allows us to loosen our arbitrary attachment to society’s definitions of a good life and forge our own standards instead. Only then we can safeguard our self-esteem against the cascades of external pressure and finally dismantle the universality of social comparison. After all, going after goals that are inherent to oneself and rooted in diversity rather than homogeneity, the need to measure oneself against others will only dissipate with time.