I don’t know who originated this theory, but I remember reading somewhere that our “bad” habits are often built upon at least one unfulfilled emotional need. I use “bad” in quotation marks here also to allow for a multiplicity of interpretations when it comes to the habits that we deem unfavorable and undesirable. For me, “bad” behaviors could range from procrastination and stagnation in the face of tough responsibilities, to workaholism and an obsession with accomplishments (pretty much opposite extremes). What I’m saying is that there is no singular definition of what a “bad” habit would look like. Overall, I consider (MY personal) “bad” habits to entail actions (or lack thereof) that leave my physical and mental health in a poor state, things that trigger feelings that I’d rather not have, or choices that deprive me of feelings I would rather have instead. What solidifies these behaviors in the “bad” habit book is that I repeatedly engage in them despite knowing that they are disadvantageous, detrimental, and even toxic to me and those around me.
Now to unpack the idea of emotional needs being unfulfilled, I have to state first that I don’t exactly have a robust grasp of psychology – most certainly not in an academic sense. If anything, I can only base what I’m discussing here off of my own experience as a human being in society. My diagnosis extends to myself and my experience only.
In moments when I do something that falls into the category of “bad” habits, I typically have these responses:
My overthinking, hyper-aware self usually renders the bottom option a rarity. In fact, the frequency of my reactions to my own “bad” habits descends from the top to bottom of this list. So, what gives? Why do I have to panic/get tense whenever I do something that by definition is already not so great for me? Does the consequence need to be doubly negative, so I experience both the practical effects of my “bad” behavior and the emotional strain that comes with it? In a way, responding to my “bad” habits with negativity is very much a “bad” habit in itself. (See! I’m once again taking away blissful ignorance from myself?!) My intuition is that it’s probably preferable to be self-aware enough to realize when I am doing myself a disservice by partaking a “bad” habit. Then, I should either disregard the realization, or dig deeper into why I take the action, whether consciously or not. The latter is perhaps my preferred mode of response, just because it logically will be the most probable step towards the end of my self-sabotaging. If I can uncover why I do the deed, I’m more likely to identify how to make it stop.
Then I came across that theory that we continuously engage in “bad” habits because we harbor an emotional need which these habits satisfy, no matter how toxic they are to our overall wellbeing. The idea makes a lot of sense to me, because I can almost effortlessly make a connection between the things that I do and the feelings that I crave (and not get). For example – and this is a pretty embarrassing example, when I go on entertainment websites and keep up with celebrity gossip, it’s not because I genuinely care about these celebrities. Part of my desire to spend time on these websites is attributable to the fact that I find the lives of celebrities so utterly different from mine, and thus there is a veil of fascination that I would want for myself, even just for a bit. It’s indicative of my wishful thinking that my life could somehow turn more eventful, exciting, and altogether more worthy of attention. In truth, I can very much afford to make my life this way and fulfill this emotional need (through actual initiative and a proactive attitude towards life I mean, not through some viral Internet stardom). Yet, I choose the least demanding path to “realizing” my need, which is simply to know how other people are living their interesting lives. Similarly, when I immerse myself in TV dramas, it’s the vicarious experience of someone else’s progress in their own stories that sends me blissfully along the delusion that I myself am living through that same progress in life. I crave the feeling that things are happening and changing, perhaps in a promising direction that concludes in a happy ending like a gift with a perfectly tied bow on top. TV often offers just that, because it can be quite removed from reality. By far my greatest vice is procrastination, especially on things that are genuinely good for me but require significant effort. As much as I want this good stuff to happen, I happen to also desire a feeling of control and certainty. So guess what, I end up refusing to act on a task that desperately needs my acting on, precisely because my refusal to do something still satisfies my own will (the will to refuse to act, that is), and I’m saved from the uncertainty of the outcome (there is only one guaranteed outcome of my procrastination: the task not being done). It sounds appallingly ridiculous, but it makes sense.
I know that there is more to my temptation to engage in “bad” habits, dependent on the circumstances. There is a myriad of factors that may influence the way my mind rationalizes a certain choice: social pressure, pleasure-seeking mechanism, moral judgment, etc. Nevertheless, the idea that one of the drivers is my craving for experiencing certain emotions definitely shifts my attitude towards my continuous “bad” deeds. All of a sudden, it seems unfair to be critical of myself for sustaining a “bad” habit when I’m already suffering from emotional negligence (and I mean it’s a negligence coming from myself – I’m not putting the responsibility on someone else). Plus, once I realize what it is that triggers my cycle of “bad” habits, I can start to reflect on the alternatives that will fulfill the same needs without resorting to unhelpful mechanisms. There are still ways for me to retain some of the certainty and control promised by procrastination without actually surrendering my progress in life or quickly pulling up Netflix on my computer instead. I just need to be a little creative and a whole lot more forgiving in approaching these emotional needs. There is a chance that then, I can effectively turn a “bad” habit on its head and also cease to feed into my increasingly burdensome emotional plight.